Ward Re-admission and Routine.

When I was first admitted onto the mental health ward, I was shocked by how surprised people were when I told them it was my first admission. Now however, having spent the last 5 months since my discharge in limbo, waiting for treatment and being bounced between services, my condition had become much more severe. Now I understood. People come into this place and have their rights, and to some extent, their identity stripped from them for the duration of their admission. They are then kicked out back into the community to adjust by themselves, with no support or treatment. So it's really not that shocking that the majority of people on the wards are on their 3rd or 4th admission. 

What surprised me was the ease with which you slip back into the hospital ‘routine.’ Even having only been here once (and as traumatic as that experience was), there is something oddly comforting about the fact that everything remains the same; lunch at 12, dinner at 6, visiting hours, medication times - it all comes flooding back to you in an instant. The familiarity and somewhat ‘comforting’ nature of it, reminds me of a holiday home (albeit, a crap one!). Every year when I was younger my family and I would go to the same caravan park (sometimes we even stayed in the same caravan!). Every so often, we would talk about the ‘exciting’ possibility of venturing to somewhere different next year - but it never happened. We never really enjoyed those holidays…the “home from home” nature of it meant there were always a lot of arguments and anxiety around one-another. But it was familiar, and easy. 

With that in mind, maybe for some of the patients that are regularly admitted here, it takes away that ‘fear factor’ of going into hospital. The fact that this environment is so consistent and therefore ‘safe’ for some patients, could mean that is is preferable to the inconsistent and unpredictable nature of everyday life. 

I think it’s safe to say that for me personally, that will never be the case... 

Long road to recovery....

One of the few conversations I remember with my counsellor (thanks to anxiety-provoked 'zoning out' episodes), is one that has stuck with me and made me think about why mental illness is often so stigmatised and mis-understood.

Me: “Trying to get better is scary” 

Counsellor: “What are you scared of?”

Me: “I’m scared of all my demons crawling out of me during therapy, and that i’m not going to be able to beat them all down and stop them killing me."

Counsellor: “Recovery is scary...It’s like being treated for cancer - it’s a long process, it’s going to make you feel so much worse before you get better, and really…there’s no certainty that you will completely recover, there will always be scars left behind. So i’m not surprised you are so terrified, and that sometimes suicide sees like the better option.”

She had often referred to physical illness when validating my feelings relating to my mental health, and the more she did this the more it made sense. When you break a bone in high school, you turn up the next day proudly displaying your plaster-cast, and everyone wants to hear about how it happened. And yet, turning up to school or work having experienced a depressive episode the previous week is not something we want to share. 

The treatment of mental illnesses with the same urgency as physical illnesses, isn't just something that we as members of society need to think about; it's the professionals as well. Suicidal thoughts aren't something that we can be left on a waiting list with to deal with in 6 months...that's as good as a death sentence. Would someone with a life threatening tumour or heart condition be treated in the same manner? 

Overall, I think in order to begin to recover maybe those who suffer from a mental illness need to think of their illness as physical...because if we don't, then how can we expect other people to?

The benefit of this is you no longer see your feelings as something that is your fault, and therefore hopefully are less likely to punish yourself for them. We all have to take some responsibility for our mental health (as our physical health), but sometimes things are outside of our control - and we need help. Just like a blood clot can lead to a stroke, a chemical imbalance, life event, or cognitive distortion can lead to depression. 

In sum, the long road to recovery for me begins with; cutting myself some slack, recognising that I have not brought on this condition myself, and acknowledging that just like a physical illness - it is possible to recover. 

Maybe, in time I will walk into work displaying my plaster-cast as a kind of 'badge of honour', and can be as brave as this guy....